This will be long. This will be a summary of what I've been thinking of for a long time. It may not be fluid in thought but bear with me. That good ol' question about what is the purpose of life has been running around my head a lot lately. Lately, being a solid year. I completed my first semester of graduate school and still don't feel that I have done much. I worked so hard and still don't feel fulfilled. Now is it because I am never satisfied with anything I do or is what I am doing not for me? Often, in direct or indirect terms it comes out that I am one for the chase. I like chasing something down, doing it and then moving on. I did it. I did my first semester of school. Now I know I can do it and nowwwwww, well, now, I don't know if I want to. I saw a commerical for TeachforIndia.org. I looked at that. For 2 years, I would teach in India. That sounds adventurous. I don't know how well I would do in India considering I get sick, like clockwork, within 10 to 12 days of being here.
I wonder if part of my sickness is a visceral reaction to having stepped out of my encaspulated lifestyle back home. I've never gone to bed hungry. I've never slept outside except by my own volition. I've never been a mother unable to feed the hungry look in my child's eyes. It sucks. There is no eloquent way to put it. It just is not pleasant to see. Even puppies. I see puppies who are sick and hungry. I fed four puppies and their mom for one day. It was such a battle to question if I was helping their suffering along or not. I felt that what was I helping if they would eat another day? What would they wake up to anyways?
Lately, I'm not for people telling me that I have a negative way of looking at life and that I shouldn't think so much. But if I don't think, who will?
I wonder if part of my sickness is a visceral reaction to having stepped out of my encaspulated lifestyle back home. I've never gone to bed hungry. I've never slept outside except by my own volition. I've never been a mother unable to feed the hungry look in my child's eyes. It sucks. There is no eloquent way to put it. It just is not pleasant to see. Even puppies. I see puppies who are sick and hungry. I fed four puppies and their mom for one day. It was such a battle to question if I was helping their suffering along or not. I felt that what was I helping if they would eat another day? What would they wake up to anyways?
Lately, I'm not for people telling me that I have a negative way of looking at life and that I shouldn't think so much. But if I don't think, who will?
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