Relationships

Is anyone really cut out for a relationship? Is anyone really able to understand that in all relationships there will be problems? If I leave you and move on to someone else, then what? I will have problems with them. What looks good now will, too, be a problem later. It just happens that way. We are always trying to run away from something. At least I am. Moving from one relationship to another to satiate, alleviate, mitigate, pain from a previous hurt.

The love inside me. Why don't I channel that enough? What makes me think that my life is dependent on and contingent upon another person's validation of who I am? Since when? Why? What would happen if I put that much effort into myself? Waiting for that call, that email, that text message. It doesn't make sense. Because that moment of waiting passes and I move on to the next moment of waiting. My life passes by with me waiting for each moment and when it comes, I move on to the next.

Peace. Where is peace? In my heart or my mind? Why do I make others responsible for my peace? In thinking others have control of my life, is where I will never have control or peace. Controlling another autonomous being is not possible. In the attempts to control others, we make it a point then to not work on ourselves. If I am busy fixing you, loving you, nurturing you, I don't do me. I become resentful. I think you took time away from me. No, you didn't. I am at fault.

We are always at fault for whatever happens to us. It is never anyone else's fault. The moment we blame someone else, we have lost. It is evident we are always responsible because no two people react to a situation the same. There is no objective truth to the world. It is purely subjective.

i was typing

the computer took it. why? it probably wasn't meant to be written. why do we become angry at others when we are responsible for whatever situation we put ourselves in and our reaction? why do we not accept even in situations where it doesn't make sense how a series of events transpired, the ultimate control of the outcomes rests within us.

how come we don't do more for others and love others? is it because we don't love ourselves enough. in the process of half hearted attempts to love others, hoping we will find a path to love ourselves, we accomplish nothing. we never end up completely loving the other person and we don't end up loving ourselves. is it love lost? is it a reminder that we need to come back to home, to inside of us.

what makes us think enough of anything externally will make us happy? when are you happy with just one of something? don't you want the next thing or another color of it? isn't this world a manipulation making us think we need this or that but really do we - we can't take it with us when we die? when did you last receive a message from someone who died that said, yes it is right the way we are living. we may not have received a message that the way we are living is wrong but what about the moments that stop us and make us question what we are doing and how we are living? what do we do with those moments? do we dismiss them because they don't make us happy? do we set them aside because it is too much effort to change ourselves? "he's too set in his ways to change." really? says who? when?

we do a good job making excuses for ourselves to remain as we are. "it's too much work." "it works well for me right now as  i am." "if you don't like me, then too bad." really? your problem become my problem when the way you are living affects me. don't you see that?

why are we led to believe that human relationships are the source of our happiness when really, they are truly the source of our problems. all problems in life seem to revolve around relationship problems. what makes us so quick to move on to something that seems easier in the moment? how soon do we realize that it didn't make any sense to do so because what seemed good back then is now a problem? when do we learn to just stay and be?

what makes us think anger solves anything? yelling does what? makes us believe because we talk louder we are more important? no we are not. in the process of trying to step over one another to get to the top, only to realize we are no better than each other, what did we forgo?

It has to be me?

This will be long. This will be a summary of what I've been thinking of for a long time. It may not be fluid in thought but bear with me. That good ol' question about what is the purpose of life has been running around my head a lot lately. Lately, being a solid year. I completed my first semester of graduate school and still don't feel that I have done much. I worked  so hard and still don't feel fulfilled.  Now is it because I am never satisfied with anything I do or is what I am doing not for me? Often, in direct or indirect terms it comes out that I am one for the chase. I like chasing something down, doing it and then moving on. I did it. I did my first semester of school. Now I know I can do it and nowwwwww, well, now, I don't know if I want to. I saw a commerical for TeachforIndia.org. I looked at that. For 2 years, I would teach in India. That sounds adventurous. I don't know how well I would do in India considering I get sick, like clockwork, within 10 to 12 days of being here.

I wonder if part of my sickness is a visceral reaction to having stepped out of my encaspulated lifestyle back home. I've never gone to bed hungry. I've never slept outside except by my own volition. I've never been a mother unable to feed the hungry look in my child's eyes. It sucks. There is no eloquent way to put it. It just is not pleasant to see. Even puppies. I see puppies who are sick and hungry. I fed four puppies and their mom for one day. It was such a battle to question if I was helping their suffering along or not. I felt that what was I helping if they would eat another day? What would they wake up to anyways?

Lately, I'm not for people telling me that I have a negative way of looking at life and that I shouldn't think so much. But if I don't think, who will?